Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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