I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Come share oat with me in your robe
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
