I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
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I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize