The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
