Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
