I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
