Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
