I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
