Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You made out with two different species that night
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
