There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
