If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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