i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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