Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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