Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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