I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
