DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
