sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
