Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
