70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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