I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
