every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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