I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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