I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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