I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
