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I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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