I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
sarcasm needs its own font
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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