don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
