He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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