plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
