I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize