I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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