my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Congratulations! We have a period
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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