I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
