i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Be still, my beating vagina.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
