seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
