remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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