drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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