I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
