I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
