You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
