then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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