This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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