This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
