why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
