Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
