in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
