Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Floor bacon is actually really good
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
