did you get engaged???
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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