Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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