I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
