Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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