Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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