Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
