every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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