Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
