I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
