Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.