My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️