awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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