Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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