she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
