I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
