who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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