I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize