My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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